#yes when i woke up at 5am i came up with a whole bunch of dumb ideas to draw and now i am doing them im sorry

[hassians-sernuk-boyfriend]

honestly hassian if you took up poledancing i think the whole town would like you more

[nightcall99]

Dreams from 18.2.24

Dream 1: In the dream, I was having sleep paralysis. I was lying in the bed, frozen. A ghost was trying to touch me. It kept poking and prodding on my torso area and I was scared shitless. There was so much panic and dread and I couldn't move my body away despite trying with all my might. I don't think the ghost meant any harm but I didn't enjoy the experience at all. Then I woke up (a false awakening). I was in our old house and my sister was in the next bed. I asked her, Do you believe in ghosts? She said, Yes. I had the knowing that sleep paralysis happens to her sometimes too. Then I said to her, It was clearer than ever before. And what I meant by that was that the way the ghost poked me (and the whole experience in general) was extremely vivid. It poked me like it was a real person. It was like the veil between worlds was getting thinner.

Then we decided to do some kind of ritual, in response to this knowledge. I don't know what the ritual was for. Initially when I had quickly noted down this dream, I wrote that it was perhaps a ritual to get rid of the ghosts, but I don't feel that it was actually that. Two additional beds suddenly appeared in our bedroom, with two other random kids in it. My sister and I showed no surprise, as if we knew them and they had been there all along. All of us kids were choosing who would go 'first' in the ritual (the word 'bait' and 'tribute' came to mind). The first person to do the ritual had to 'correspond to a white token'. One of the boys was going to go first, but it didn't feel right. Or perhaps we didn't trust this boy enough. The other boy happened to have a white sheet that was wrapped around him (a white token) and so he said, It has to be me (or should be me). Then we were discussing who was to go second.

Dream 2: There was a bed in the backyard that was pushed up against the house but underneath the veranda. It was very shabby and dirty. I sleep here every night. It seemed so cold to sleep here, and it's like I only just realised it. I knew that tonight would be especially cold, so I decided I would sleep inside the house tonight. I kept thinking, how did I sleep like that? So vulnerable to the outside world?

Dream 3: I had a dream that I woke up at 5am and then I couldn't get back to sleep. I was just forced to wait until my alarm rings at 7:40am. It felt harrowing to wait like that, every second that passed took an age. I couldn't stand it.

Dream 4: I was walking home to our old house and came across a few second hand clothing shops on the way so I went inside to have a browse. I had some sort of collapsible transport vehicle (like a scooter or bicycle but not) which I folded up and carried with me into the shop. My mother and sister were in the shop too, which wasn't planned. I noticed my sister's hair was cut into a short bob in a similar style to my mother's. I only saw the back of her head, nothing else. There was no energy coming from her. At some point, my brother made an appearance in this dream too. I believe I gave the transport vehicle to him.

Dream 5: I walked out from somewhere (probably work), still wearing my white work uniform but I didn't care. I was walking down the street strutting my stuff like I didn't have a care in the world. There was a lady with a pram at the pedestrian crossing lights. She had some kind of sauce spill into the lower storage compartment of the pram and made a lame joke like, Oh free sauce, anyone can have it if they want it. I laughed. I saw she had a bunch of fallen empty mini fish-shaped soy sauce bottles too. I crossed the traffic light and continued walking, like I was on top of the world.

[deepseavibez]

A Star In Your Sky || JJK

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-> Picture Source - Pinterest

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A Star In Your Sky [Jungkook]

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Genre - Dad!Jungkook; Angst; Sadness; Melancholy; Drabble:

Summary - Helpless as he was, 'what you didn't know couldn't hurt you'... it would have to do. There was nothing else he could do.

Warning - Angst; Sadness; Major Character Death;

Word Count - 1.7k

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Jungkook woke up with a start at the blaring alarm. 5am - his phone flashed in red numbers. Snoozing it, he left it back on the table.

The fog on the windows signifying a cold morning, the dreary grey clouds overcast, the edge of dawn.

Wiping the sleep out of his eyes he righted his shirt, pulling his sleeves over his cold hands, ruffling his hair as he stretched his limbs and swung them over the couch.

The cold hit his bare feet as he stood up and started his way down the hall, switching the lights on as he walked, to navigate his way to the room right next to his.

Door slightly ajar, he pushed on it, the slight creak a normal sound, a part of the surroundings, the many years behind the action of tuning it out.

His eyes fell past the threshold, items he knew by heart, colors he had committed to memory, the scent and the surroundings - his home.

The curtains in this room were purple, deep purple, the hue something akin to indigo, silver moons and stars shone at the catch of even the tiniest bit of light.

There were posters of cartoons, drawings in crayons and paints, a basket of toys in the corner of the room, and Cooky, the pink plush toy staring back on the made bed.

Eyes scanning the toy he remembered the day it came home.

----------

'Dad, look what Uncle Jinnie got me,' Moon ran up to him, as she giggled in excitement, eyes lighting up at the plush toy in her hand.

Turning toward the sound of his daughter, he bent down on one knee so she could hop into his waiting arms. He held her easily, her form tiny and stable in his muscled hands.

Her momentary glance to the tattoo on his skin, a second nature, something that made her smile, as her name had been carved into his forearm, stars surrounding it with a Saturn ring.

She was Daddy's little girl and she loved every moment of it.

Meeting her fathers eyes, she held up the pink bunny in her arms, a prize worth every drop of attention he could give.

Smiling bemused he asked her, 'What about all the other teddy's in your room, babygirl?'

He nosed at her cheek as he teased her.

Her eyes went as wide as saucers, 'Dad!' she exclaimed in a mock whisper, 'They aren't Teddy's, they all have names.'

'Yeah, Jk, how can you call them Teddy's,' Jin played along, just as scandalized at his dongsaengs choice of words.

Mouth twitching, the mole on his chin, shifting at the movement, he raised an eyebrow at his hyung, 'I'm surprised you didn't get her the RJ.'

'Now, now, I did explain the perks of having RJ, but she is Daddy's little girl.' They smiled, endeared with the toddler between them.

It was the last proper, happy outing they had, ice-cream, feeding the seagulls, playing in the sand, her best days with her father and her Uncle Jin.

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‘I don't care what happens to me, I don’t care about the money! Just please save my baby, please!’ Jungkook was enraged, angry at the world, helpless, desperate.

Stage 4. She was only a child, her tiny body fit in his arms, her form only half of him.

It came out of nowhere, severe bruising and bleeding when she fell down, or got cut. Trouble breathing when she ran, nausea when she ate and sometimes not wanting to eat at all. Waking up to her cries in the middle of the night, sniffling quietly, at the pains in her body.

Too many symptoms, too many blood tests later, too many restless, sleepless nights, she was diagnosed with leukemia.

There were weeks of waiting for results, test after test, of having to sit her in his lap, and explain why she needed to see countless doctors and that things would get better, that it was just for now.

But as he stood opposite her doctor, his hyung holding his shoulder, he had to go home and tell her he lied. He lied.

He'd have to tell her that there was no turning back, and if it was too late for his daughter, the love of his life, the very center of his world, for him, there would be no way forward.

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He stood at the doorway of her hospital room, having just gone home to change up and get her favorite mac and cheese. The sight he met every single time, not something he had gotten used to, despite the number of weeks he’d been at the forefront of it all.

The tubes along her face, her nose, in her arms, something a baby should never have to go through. A parent should never have to think about outliving their child. It wasn’t the cycle. It wasn’t fair.

She deserved, to hit double digits, to find love, to have him fight the need to protect her from every mistake, to always be there for her, she deserved friends, memories, the chance to discover hobbies, she deserved more time.

The saddest part was that she was too young to think of any of those things, and yet, maybe it could also be a blessing.

What you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you, right.

Blinking back tears he plastered a fake smile on his face, the brightest one he felt he could muster. ‘Hey, babygirl.’

She looked up, a small smile, slowly making its way up her cheeks, her face pale. Opening her mouth to speak, he shook his head at her. ‘No, no, shh, baby, don’t hurt your throat.’

Making his way over to her bed, he gingerly climbed in next to her, the nurses used to his presence, the doctors having no objection considering the care he had with her as he slotted himself protectively over her.

Pecking her on the head, he took note of the scrapbook in her hand. She looked at it everyday, pictures of her six loving uncles, Taehyung plaiting her hair, Jimin showing her tiny jewelry pieces, stick-ons for her ears, Namjoon with a bunch of block letters, a tower of it clearly having collapsed around them. Her Uncle Hobi always made her smile, as he had her on his back and his neck, walked her around the apartments like he was her personal chauffeur, Yooni holding her as she slept, light music playing in the background, and her Uncle Jin, her favourite Uncle Jin, always around, choosing school bags, spoiling her with anything she wanted, anything that caught her eye, especially morning blueberry waffles and her dad, Jungkook, her dad, the youngest, the one with the most time, the most allowance to make reckless decisions, the one who adapted his whole life around her inclusion in his life.

‘Hey, remember the story of your first birthday,’ His voice exuberant at her cake covered face,’when you didn’t want to wear the red jacket Uncle Tae gave you, and you cried for his instead,’ he petted her head as he searched her face for recognition.

She pouted at the mention of it, the story recounted so many times before,’Uncle Tae’s jacket was purple, Dad. How could I not want it,’ Her cheekiness earned her a light flick to her nose.

She upturned it crossly, a little zest in her eyes at the familiar chastising.

They paused, looking at each other, before the smile slowly disappeared from her face, the reaction apparently contagious as Jungkook sat up in concern. ‘Dad,’ she started softly, her eyes trained on the blanket covering her legs, ’are you gonna forget me?’

Jungkook’s breath caught in his throat at the innocent question, striving to show no reaction on his face. Moving swiftly, he worked his way around the cables and maneuvered her into his lap. They tried, he tried, and she had been so strong but even at her tender age she knew it, he knew it, the time for sugar coated words, and false hopes were over, acceptance was all that was left.

‘Close your eyes,’ he prompted, wiping tears he could no longer hold back, away from his eyes.‘Can you see me?’

‘My eyes-,’

‘No, keep them closed, can you see me,’ he reiterated, beside himself.

‘No, I can’t see you.’

‘But you can hear me right,’ taking note of her face, her nose, her cute cheeks, he waited for her answer.

‘Yes, I can hear you.’

‘Well,’ he sniffled, head falling against her forehead lightly, the contact needed, ’that’s what it will be like. I will always be here for you. I will always talk to you, and I promise,’ his hand found hers and squeezed it, ’I will never forget you. You may not see me and I may not see you, but you will always be the biggest part of me. And I promise, I will never, ever, forget you.’

He broke at his last words, pulling her into his embrace, holding his Moon, wishing with everything he had left, he would never have to let her go.

Moon passed that night, in her sleep, in his arms, as painless as it could possibly be. Knowing what was going to happen, couldn’t have prepared Jungkook for the real thing. But he knew he had to let go of her lifeless body, he knew he had to call the one person who could handle him or whatever came next for him, and as soon as he saw his Jin hyung, the one that named his perfect girl, he fell into his arms and cried, as his heart shattered into pieces.

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Standing at doorways were his thing these days, he thought, everything he did was not enough, not too much, like sitting on the fence, falling in the middle.

It had been a year, but he couldn’t clean out this room, he still woke up at 5am despite his flexible job because he had to take care of her routine, maybe someday he would have to stop coming in here, but right now, the made bed, the unused room, the stillness of it all, would remind him that even for a time, he had something beautiful, something worth all that pain, a human that he would meet someday again.

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[hotchley]

🐨 Welp, the kids infected me with a cold that I’m pretty sure is actually the plague. Honestly, who knows if it was even the kids. I tend to get colds in the summer when I’m doing a lot with little energy like I have been lately. It’s happened at the last three camps I’ve worked at/attended. But we’re hanging in there! Two camps this week—one is tiny and space-themed, which I’m thrilled about, and one is a giant group of almost entirely boys. They are chaos personified.

Here are some things the kids have said to me in the past week!

“Do you know when the song *sings It’s The End of The World by REM* came out? 1999!”

“I woke up early for camp!” Upon me asking what time she got up, she revealed that she woke herself and her mom up at 5am. For a 12 o’clock camp.

“I’m eight, turning ten soon!”

And my personal favorite—

“Nanny: What do you say to Miss Kate?

Child: *runs up to me, leans into my face, and burps*

Me: …I don’t think that’s what your nanny had in mind, buddy

Child: It’s exactly what I had in mind!”

Yeah, they’re insane. We’re having fun though! Mostly. Last week a kid lost a tooth, which she was thrilled about. Another girl got stung by a bee, which she was not thrilled about. Thank goodness for the first aid app on my phone.

The kids can be rowdy, but we’ve had almost more trouble with parents. One yelled at us for not having enough staff because apparently it’s illegal to have three staff for twenty-five kids for a two hour camp (it is not, in fact, illegal. Also, we work for the government. The government made the roster, not us.) An old man told me we should put a sign up because I asked him not to walk into the park building to use the bathrooms. We do, in fact, have a sign up. Another old man was hovering outside the park building for a solid hour and got mad at me for being suspicious of him. Like, sorry sir, but you’re lingering around a building full of small children, none of whom are yours. Of course I’m keeping an eye on you.

We figured out how to braid beads into our little girls’ hair at an all girls camp last week, so those moms loved us. A bunch of them watched me do it cause they wanted to learn.

So yeah, that’s life around here! My older brother’s girlfriend is visiting again on Friday, which I’m very excited for! It’s been too long since we’ve ganged up on him. And on Sunday, I leave for my karate trip! 16 hour drive, woo! Should be very fun though. Lots of cool training, and all the people from my dojo are sharing a cabin that been dubbed by my father as “the party cabin”. My dad can’t come cause of work, so I’m flying solo. Which means I can buy tons of Kraft mac and cheese when we stop at the gas station to microwave at the cabin!

Oh no... being infected with children's colds is the worst. I remember when we stopped being in bubbles and I immediately got unwell it's awful! I get colds when I cry and my eyes start hurting when I rub them so... the space-themed camp sounds great! I love chaotic children because I'm only with them for a few minutes but a whole camp... that's going to be a lot...

All of those are so random I love kids! One of the kids at the library told the lady she was speaking to that she liked Shakespeare and Jeff Kinney (she was talking about the simplified and designed for children ones but still!)

One of my kids was showing me all of their favourite poems, and another was really shy- she was adorable- so I went: Do you want to tell Daddy and I'll just sit here and listen? And then immediately cringed because normally I say: give this to your adult okay? Since different kids come with different people and etc. Luckily it was her dad but in the moment... so awkward... he called me the nice young lady though which was sweet and made me smile.

Ah yes, losing teeth in public was always an experience! I hope the girl was okay :( also what's the app? I feel like it's a useful thing to have on you (she says, despite failing her CPR training)

Oh god, it's a universal experience then? I only deal with the children but the actual library worker was saying that it's the adults who cause the most problems... although 25 kids to 3 adults sounds so overwhelming! I remember when I was in primary school- so up to 11, it was 1 adult to every 5-6 children! Yes, that man does sound a bit suspicious... AHH when they don't read!! We have a sign telling parents where to go- it can be missed- and a lot are so apologetic when they miss it, but a few are just like: oh. And it's like: we're making YOUR life easier...

Awww, that's so sweet, I'm glad it happened!

Yess for the alliance, it's my favourite thing! Oooh karate trip! That sounds like so much fun! I'm very excited for you and you'll need to tell me everything that happens <3

[flipcinnamon]

mornings with flip headcanons

hello yes welcome to my first post on this blog. naturally its me writing about my the dream life with flip. this is literally so domestic. maybe on the borderline of being boring like...ah. i love flip gosh darnit. also vaguely nsfw. vaguely. not really nsfw at all but. it’s all good. also i don’t think i made the reader distinctly female? correct me if im wrong. but i think anyone can enjoy it!

flip wakes up before you. all the time. even on the weekends and even when he worked late the night before.

the two of you have your own morning routine, but he has his pre-you morning routing

during the week he’ll wake up at 5am, an hour or two later on the weekend. but he’ll get up, usually having to untangle himself from you, as much as he’d rather stay in bed with you

most of the time he’ll roll out of bed completely naked as one of his favorite nighttime routines is to fuck you senseless until you both pass out.

his first task is to turn up the heater. before you head to bed he usually sets it lower. the two of you make up for the heat the hvac doesn’t supply during those hours.

then he’ll jump in the shower. they’re never long, five minutes the most when you’re not taking a shower with him. he’d shampoo, condition, use body wash. simple.

then he’d make his way to the kitchen a put on a pot of coffee so it would be ready for you when you woke up. he’d always make it for you the way you liked so it would be sitting in one of your favorite mugs when you came stumbling into the kitchen.

after preparing your coffee he’d sit on the couch and turn on the tv, watching the morning news until you woke up

he’d watch you saunter into the kitchen and grab your coffee. you’d interchange between wearing one of his white t-shirts or one of his many flannels in the morning. whichever one you wore swallowing your form whole.

you’d come on sit next to him on the couch, your legs resting in his lap and snuggling into his side. sometimes it was uncomfortable, but neither of you minded.

he’d switch off the news, to some other morning program, usually reruns of the brady bunch. but he still told you some more important things he’d picked up from the news. you liked to know what was going on, but watching the news itself wasn’t the best start of your day. but it coming out of flip’s mouth, his voice. that was much better. you couldn’t be stressed listening to his deep, rumbling voice.

after finishing a half hour episode of whatever was on the two of you would make your way to the bathroom. you’d strip yourself of his shirt, his dark eyes watching the entire time. most days he’d run the risk of running late for work just to fuck you over the bathroom sink, but some days he couldn’t, if he had an important case or a meeting. 

while you showered he brushed his teeth, listening to you tell him about your plans for the day, or even sing. sometimes he’d tell you what he expected to do that day in between spits of toothpaste.

he’d help you dry off once you got out of the shower, just as an excuse to touch you. to touch your soft skin, the shape of your body. he’d be thinking about it all day.

you’d get dressed while he gathered his badge, wallet shoving them into his pockets. he’d slip his gun into its holster.

you’d meet him at the front door, grabbing his keys from the key holder hung on the wall, using them as an excuse to slip them into his back pocket and pull him close.

“i’m gonna miss you, baby,” you pouted, as if you could convince him to stay. you knew you couldn’t. most of the time, anyway.

he pressed his forehead against yours, his prominent nose that you loved so much nuzzling your own. “i’m gonna miss you, too. but i’ll see you tonight. and i’ll call you on my lunch break.” he pressed his plump limps against yours.

there were different types of kisses that he gave you. these were his goodbye kisses. gentle and full of love, hesitant when he pulled away.

always followed by a kiss to your cheek before he pulled away from you.

he’d head out the door and you watched him, leaning against the door frame as he got in his truck and started it up. he’d wave at you as he pulled out, you blowing him a kiss and waving in return, waving until he was out of sight and the rumble of his truck got quieter.

you felt sad listening to it go, but you’d feel so much joy when you’d hear it pull up that night.

[mubal4]

Feeling the Funk?

 For those that have been following the weather, and I am referring to those up and down the eastern seaboard, you are aware of the storms that have hit.  It was a named storm and I don’t feel like researching it right now, I think it started with a K 😊, but I brought rain, snow, ice, heaving winds, flooding, tornados, and other nonsense throughout the area.  This week, I was on the east coast, in NYC and Charleston, SC and yes, I got caught up in it.  As my partner and I were at a meeting yesterday, we saw the dark clouds coming in and when we were walking into the building, he got a notification that his flight was delayed headed to NYC.  On the way out of the meeting, I got mine.  Fast forward to right now, 5pm ET on Friday, I am still in SC at the airport waiting for my flight to take off over 24 hours later than expected.  He and I spent about 4 hours at the airport last night for delays and cancelations before I called it and got a hotel room.  My challenge was going to Charlotte for a connecting flight to Phoenix and Charlotte, from my understanding, got hit really hard.  My mind was calm throughout the process because, well, it was weather and out of everyone’s control.  I was having some issues with Uber and some incompetence with their support, but, overall, this was an inconvenience and not a problem.  Of course, I did want to get home and be with my family. We have a busy weekend ahead of us and I was looking forward to some down time with them and we only had a small window.  That was missed, and there were some other commitments I had that this situation caused me to cancel.  That said though, I did have the chance to have a relaxing meal and a good beer.  I also was able to just chill out for a couple of hours.  When I went to bed last night, I had an early 230am alarm set so I could get to my 5am flight back home.  😊😊😊 The smiley faces are for effect because, when I looked at my phone at 230am the first thing I saw was a notification from the airline saying my flight at 5am was cancelled.  I then spent the next 90 mins figuring out my options, the best one, a 7pm flight out of Charleston through Dallas to Phoenix.  And now that is where we are, sitting in a comfy airport bar seat having a Yuengling Lager 😊.  

 When Robin and I spoke this morning to update her on the situation, I handled the situation with her wrong.  It was early AM, we both just woke up basically, and we were not right mentally.  I guess I was looking for another reaction from her.  It wasn’t one of my better moments.  Hell, we’ve been away from each other since Tuesday AM and we weren’t going to see each other until Sunday night.  Again, busy weekend!!  When I hung up the phone, realizing I had a good 12 hours before my flight 😊, I hit the gym.  While I was running my mind went to “this bullshit” I was experiencing and then I thought about the folks really impacted by this.  Last night I had a roof over my head, I was dry, I had a good meal and a beer. My wife and kids were safe in our home back in AZ and I was a short 5-hour flight away from them that I was getting on in a few hours.  I had time to get a bunch of work done, move ahead on some of my commitments, read, write, and get a bunch of calls in; I can be landing at home in AZ tonight with a clear slate and enjoy an awesome weekend with no work.  PERSPECTIVE HUH? Yeah, it sucked not to be back home with my family when I “expected” to be, but it wasn’t worse!!  I don’t like to highlight other’s hardships, but I am grateful.  

 And that leads me to this podcast I listened to later today. Another Tom Bilyeu Impact Theory.  His guest, Chris Cavallini, a fellow Italian 😊, who has a great story so encourage you to listen, shared a point on his journey.  He was in a dark spot but was working hard on his personal growth.  Listening to something from Tony Robbins, he had a change come over him.  What he heard was that when you are feeling shitty, in those dark spots in your life, go out and serve someone hurting more than you. It sort of stopped me in my tracks. I thought back to a number of those times where I was hurting and, out of circumstance, or maybe the Universe (???), I was in a situation where I was working with and helping out something in a much worse position than I.  I was given an opportunity to provide guidance and mentorship to them, on many occasions. That situation did a few things; it got us both working to figure out their challenge.  We had to be vulnerable and share some insecurities, but we got over our egos and moved forward getting them to climb out of their funk.  For me, I forgot about my funk at the time because I was focused on their funk.  Also, when we moved beyond the shit, it was fulfilling.  To know that you worked through some darkness and came out continuing to move forward, that’s gratifying.  It offers perspective right?  If said this before, give me someone that is working through my shit and I will be able to get them through it pretty well.  But, me working me? That’s a whole different story, right? I think that is funny 😊.   The point is, I’ve learned that when I’ve given myself up and have been selfless, my “problems” fade away.  Interesting how gratifying and fulfilling it is when we sacrifice ourselves for the sake of others!!

[literary-chaos]

1. My Trip to Wrongway Revision One

Written by S.H.

I woke up with a yawn, silencing my alarm as I slid out of bed. 5am comes earlier every day, I thought to myself. I began my morning routine with feeding my tabby cat, Nibbles, who wound himself around my legs like yarn around a crochet needle. I made some coffee and toast, brushed my teeth, and left for work on time (for once). As I waited for my regular 102 bus to work, I sighed at the humdrum routine my life had become. I wistfully remembered being so carefree and enjoying life in college. Now it just seems like all I’m meant for is working my 9-5 and still only being able to afford a tiny apartment in a not-so-great side of town. Oh well, I thought, at least I know what to expect.

I always listened to my iPod on the bus, but today I guess I fell asleep… I tapped the bus driver on the shoulder and asked him,

“Sir, where exactly am I?” He looked bewildered and stammered,

“I-I thought everyone was off! Nobody comes out here, not to Wrongway.” Wrongway? What in the world is Wrongway? I had never heard of this place before.

“I’m sorry, is that the name of the town?”

“Well unofficially, yes. Nobody remembers what it’s really called anymore because it’s been abandoned for so long. I honestly thought they’d torn the whole place down before I started driving this route.”

I was confused, but at least I could call a taxi to come get me.

“No chance I can stay on and catch a ride to work from you, is there?”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that. I’d lose my job if I didn’t go through my route properly. Here’s the number to a cheap taxi. Good luck.” He handed me a basic business card with the name of a taxi service I’d seen commercials for once.

“Thanks…” I said, confused as to why he wished me luck. It’s not like I will be here long.

 I called the taxi service, only to discover they had never heard of anywhere named Wrongway before and without an address there was no way to send a driver out. I felt hopeless, but called a friend of mine hoping he had his car.

“Dave, I need help man. I’m lost. I have no clue where I am and I’m supposed to be at work in an hour. Can you come get me? Swear I’ll buy you drinks this weekend, all on me.”

“Sure man no problem. Do you see anything familiar?”

“No, the bus driver said I was somewhere called Wrongway? I’ve never heard of it before.”

“Yeah I have. Once. I haven’t heard that name in a long time. Look, now’s actually not a good time for me. Can you call someone else?” Dave sounded terrified. Like even hearing the name of this place was too much for him.

“Don’t leave me out here bro, I need you. I don’t even know where I am! Please Dave, I’m desperate. ”

“I’m sorry. I can’t.” And the line went dead. I couldn’t believe my best friend would just ditch me like this. How the hell am I supposed to get home? I started walking in the direction the bus went, hoping to find someone to ask for directions. As I walked, I observed my surroundings. The town was older than most of the surrounding developments. Most of the buildings were faded and decrepit, beams collapsed and crumbled in messy heaps. I didn’t see anyone for the first 15 minutes of my walk. Odd, even for a remote side of town. Right then, I heard a scuffle of footsteps behind me and whipped around, startled.

“Hello? Is anyone there? Please, I’m lost and I need help!” Another scuffle followed, and I walked in the direction of the steps. “Please help me! I won’t hurt you, I really am lost! I’m begging you!” A head poked around the corner suddenly.

“Don’t beg. Not here, no! Follow me.” The gravelly voice of an older man, maybe early 60s, answered and beckoned to the alleyway where he hid. I hesitated, but the sense of urgency in his voice wiped away any common sense I had left. I followed him into the alley, and he rushed on ahead of me. He’s fast for his age. I could barely keep up, even being in my early 30s. He’s so hunched over; it really is a miracle he can walk at all. He stopped suddenly by a weathered door and gestured for me to come inside. I followed, heart pounding, and was thrown into complete darkness.

“Hold on, let me find the light sw- oh there it is.” A single bare light bulb illuminated the room. Everything was old, broken, and/or dirty. Kind of like the old man, I thought.

“D-do you live here?” I stammered, not wanting to offend the possibly crazy man I’d just followed into God-knows-where.

“For now. None of us stay in one place for long.”

“Us? Where are the others? What happened here? How do I get home?” All the questions I had came spilling out all at once like a flash flood rushing into a valley.

“Slow down, sonny. Do you want something to drink?” I looked around the room, but didn’t see a refrigerator. Actually, the room was more bare than I’d noticed before. Save for the sleeping bag on the floor and a lone dining chair, there was no furniture. I saw what looked like a bathroom door in the corner, but no closets or rooms I could see. The carpet was stained and threadbare, like it had been walked on for decades without a good cleaning. The walls were in a similar state, streaked and cracked like an oil-filled parking lot. I shook my head, not wanting to know what sort of drink he would offer.

“Can you please show me how to get home?”

He grinned, almost toothless save for a couple teeth holding on for dear life.

“All you have to do is go see Her.” He giggled ominously. “But she’s not helpful to outsiders, no no… You’ll have to take Her magic if you want to leave.”

“Magic? What are you talking about? Magic doesn’t exist.”

“Not in the right world, but it does in Wrongway. It’s always wrong here. Always wrong…” He trailed off into a muttering frenzy, his stammering fit turning into to him pleading with an invisible force and starting to scream. He glared menacingly at me as he threw the chair where I was standing. I took this as my cue to leave, and bolted out the door into the alleyway and didn’t stop running until I was sure I’d left him behind. I leaned against a dilapidated building, breathing deeply. “What was that? Oh man. I am so screwed. Oh my god.” I entered into a momentary panic. How was I going to get out of here? I called my boss to let her know the situation. She sounded confused, but told me I could have the day off to collect myself. I wasn’t even upset at her condescending tone, I was just glad someone believed me.

I walked in the direction the old man had gestured when he mentioned Her. I wasn’t sure what else to do, but even then, this seemed crazy. Taking an old psychotic man’s advice to steal magic from someone named Her was the last thing I thought I’d be doing today. Be careful what you wish for, isn’t that the saying? I couldn’t help but chuckle myself.

 I had been walking for almost an hour and hadn’t seen sign of anyone. I leaned against another building, slumping to the floor. I sighed and hung my head, convinced I’d never find my way out of here.

“Psst, you… Hey, you! Over here, hurry! RUN!” I looked where the masked figure was pointing and saw three huge… I don’t even know. Things? Monsters? I didn’t stick around to find out. I got around the corner just in time for my new companion to push my head down and fire three times in the things’ direction. The masked person sighed and pulled off the black ski mask they were wearing. A rugged, scarred face greeted me from underneath. He was about my size, tall and lean with brown hair and dull, forest green eyes. He sized me up as I did him, then we shook hands to introduce ourselves.

“Name’s Peyton. You ever seen one o’ them before?” I shook my head, his hand and mine still gripping each other.

“Can’t say I have. I’m Trey. Thanks for saving me from those things. What were they?” Peyton grinned, his top lip disfigured from a short, small scar. He chuckled a bit, then shook his head in awe.

“Can’t believe you never ran into them. How long ya been in Wrongway?”

How long had I been here? My phone was dead and I had never picked up the habit of wearing a watch.

“Only half the day, I believe. I’m not sure what time it is.” His smile faded, replaced by sadness and a bit of fear.

“Oh kid, you better find a way to get back from where you came. But that’s what all us outsiders do, try to escape. ‘Fraid once Wrongway has ya, she has ya for good.” He hung his head for a moment, then perked back up. “Well I guess I can teach ya a bit about the fauna ‘round here. Those there were Stingers, like a giant wasp with a worse attitude. You can usually hear ‘em coming before you see ‘em, if ya know what to listen for.”

I gawked at this Crocodile Dundee wannabe, not registering what he’d just said. GIANT wasps? What the- man, this day just keeps getting worse. I guess he realized I was in over my head and grabbed my forearm, pulling me up and through yet another alleyway. “Come on, let’s get you somewhere safe. Then you can meet the others.” Others?

         Their hideout was modest, but not so much as the old man’s was. There were several cots strewn around what looked like an old high school gymnasium. They even had a depressing living area, complete with couches and bean bags. Their kitchen table had been turned into an armory of sorts, different weapons strewn about with their corresponding ammunitions. I barely saw the others before they converged on Peyton, asking him different questions about supplies and which creatures he discovered. He brushed them aside, and they noticed me for the first time. They all grew quiet, staring at the newcomer.

“Everybody this is Trey. He’s new here, so I want y’all to be accommodating, ya hear?” They all nodded, one of the bigger men coming up to me first.

“I’m Arnie. How long have you been here?” Arnie was tall and broad, but had a kind face and round glasses that made his eyes look beady. I liked him instantly.

“Uh, about half a day I think.” He looked saddened by this, nodding understandingly.

“Well welcome aboard. This is a good bunch of people, once they warm up to you.” I nodded at him, and the next group member came up to me. She was a woman, about 45 or so, with blonde hair and brown eyes. Her face was worn from the sun, but that didn’t diminish her beauty. She introduced herself as Muiri, Arnie’s wife. They seemed like a nice couple. The next member was Dahlia, dressed in all black with ridiculous combat boots on. Her face was pierced in a few spots, and she had tattoos everywhere but her face. She scowled at me as she introduced herself, and I began to see what Arnie meant about them needing to warm up to me. The final member of this ragtag little team was a skinny boy of maybe 20, a messy mop of mousy hair and a permanent stutter. They called him Mouse, even though his name was Gerald. Mouse smiled kindly, and shook my hand (literally. He couldn’t sit still).

         After I’d been introduced to everyone, they gave me a can of beans and soda for lunch. Peyton explained after lunch they usually go scavenging for supplies, and asked if I’d like to come along to get the lay of the land. Before this point, I hadn’t considered staying here long-term. The thought horrified me, but I thought I’d be better off if I at least knew the surrounding area and agreed to tag along with the scavenging party. Muiri stayed behind to hold down the fort. The group set off down the road, the opposite way Peyton had brought me. The walk was quiet; nobody said a word until we heard some clattering in a nearby building. I wished I had a gun, but nobody had offered. Peyton signaled Mouse and Arnie to go around back to look for an alternate escape route. When they came back and said the back was sealed, Peyton told us all to proceed into the building slowly and quietly. I was so afraid. I’d never been one for extreme sports or scary movies; I actually found myself wistful for the mundane life I had led just this morning. We went inside, fanning out once the hallways allowed it. The building appeared to be an old diner, torn and faded booths sandwiching small diner tables. Plates covered the counters, broken and in no order. The clattering got louder as we crossed the serving counter. Peyton motioned for Arnie and Mouse to take the left entrance while he and I took the right. It was then that Peyton handed me a revolver, giving me the thumbs up and a grin. He inched closer to the doorway, peeking in slightly. I looked over him, and was completely blown away by the scene. There were two humanoid figures leaning over a human body, ripping and tearing into the corpse. The clattering came from a form of makeshift armor one of them wore, pans bent to cover its form as much as possible. They were greenish gray, kind of a vomit color. Just as we started to lean back away from the doorway, the one with the pan clothing lifted its head and began to sniff. It had a longer snout than I’d imagined, almost like a dog’s. His eyes were small and beady, hands exaggerated with long claws. Its feet were large as well, but devoid of the deadly claws it had on its hands. It whipped its head around, blood and saliva dripping from its mouth. It saw us and screeched, alerting the other creature to our presence.

“Run!” Peyton shouted to Arnie, Mouse, and me. We took off over the counter, and ran for our lives.

 END PART ONE

[essayofthoughts]

Tag Game: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you Tagged by: @waveringbriar over Here. Addendum: as I am where tag games go to die, I will be tagging no one.

WHAT WAS YOUR: 1. last beverage = Lavender Earl Grey 2. last phone call = I think it was when I called the comics store to subscribe to the Rivers of London comics. 3. last text message = An apology to my work boss because I was ill. Sent on the 2nd Jan. 4. last song you listened to = She Wants Me Dead by Cazette feat. Aron Chupa 5. last time you cried = No clue.

HAVE YOU EVER: 6. dated someone twice = Nope 7. been cheated on = Nope 8. kissed someone & regretted it = My Entire Relationship With Dickhead Ex, summarised. 9. lost someone special = I don’t... think so? 10. been depressed = Much of my time at secondary. 11. been drunk and threw up = Twice.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: Purple, dark green, red. 

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = Yes 16. Fallen out of love = Nope 17. Laughed until you cried = Yes 18. Met someone who changed you = I don’t think so. 19. Found out who your true friends are = I know who my true friends are. 20. Found out someone was talking about you = *shrugs* idgaf. 21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend’s list= I mean I don’t really even check my facebook friend’s list. Though I mean, I platonically greeted some family friends with cheek-kisses over the hols when they came to visit and they’re all on my friends list on FB so I guess?

GENERAL: 22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = All, I think. I do periodic culls to ensure it. 24. Do you have any pets = 2 dogs, 1 cat. 25. Do you want to change your name = *shrugs* idgaf. I’m ok with my name as is and have no idea what I might change it to - anything I might change it to most of my friends or acquaintances already use as a nickname (Aich, Essay) 26. What did you do for your last birthday = Can’t remember. Don’t ask me to think back more than a year my memory is awful. 27. What time did you wake up today = 10AM then I went back to sleep and woke up at 12ish. Because there were loud drunks last night and also I stayed up to 5am doing a bunch of these tag memes. 28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Tag games. 29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = THE SHAPE OF WATER. RELEASE IN THE UK ALREADY YOU BASTARD THING I NEED IT. 30. Last time you saw your mother = About five minutes ago when she came upstairs to tell me an interesting historical/family anecdote she’d discovered. 31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = I want a better job? 32. What are you listening to right now = I Don’t Care by Fall Out Boy

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? = Yes. 34. What’s getting on your nerves right now = In the immediate moment, nothing. When I next look at my tumblr feed, or care to think beyond this tag meme, many things, undoubtedly. 35. Most visited webpage(s) = Tumblr, my emails, google. 36. Blood type = No idea, never had my blood tested or donated blood. Need to sort that out at some point. 37. Nickname = Aich, Essay. 38. Relationship Status = have a thing with a friend that is vaguely defined but we like it like that. 39. Zodiac sign = Aquarius, I think. 40. Pronouns = use whatever you like I don’t care. 41. Elementary = my dear watson. 42. High School = It’s called Secondary over here. 43. College = Sixth Form. or do you mean University? 44. Hair color = Brown 45. Long or short = Shoulder blades-ish right now. Trying to grow it out. 46. Height = *shrugs* don’t measure it. 47. Do you have a crush on someone? = I don’t think it’s called a crush when there’s a thing in place. 48. What do you like about yourself? = That I survived shit. 50. Tattoos = Zero. 51. Righty or lefty = Right handed. 52. First surgery = I don’t think I’ve ever had surgery. 53. First piercing = Ears 54. First best friend = Izzy, who I’ve known since before I remember.  55. First sport you joined =  I was made to do many sports but never willingly joined. Karate? does that count? 56. First vacation = Can’t remember. Probably Gozo? 58. First pair of trainers = No idea, probably at like age 7 for primary school.

RIGHT NOW: 59. Eating = Foam shrimps 60. Drinking = lavender earl grey 61. I’m about to = answer some more tag games. 62. Listening to = Constellations by Aviators (Rock Cover) 63. Waiting for = nothing? 64. Want kids? = No idea. 65. Get Married? = *shrug* depends on the person. 66. Career? = love to be an author or work in museums. Right now I’m a waitress.

WHICH IS BETTER: 67. Lips or eyes = *shrugs* 68. Hugs or kisses = hugs 69. Shorter or taller = ... for what? 70. Older or Younger = ... ditto, for what? 71. Romantic or spontaneous = ... These aren’t opposites, necessarily. 72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Why is one necessarily better? And what counts as nice? 73. Sensitive or loud = uhhhh 74. Hook-up or relationship = I don’t go for hook-ups but then I have issues with trust and a sense of safety. 75. Trouble maker or hesitant = I don’t know what the hell this whole section was about to be honest.

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger = Yes? Its a not uncommon means of greeting to cheek-kiss people and for one of my cousin’s girlfriends-now-wife that was the preferred greeting so? 77. Drank hard liquor = Do you mean spirits? Goddamn americentrism. Yes. 78. Lost glasses/contacts = Don’t need either. 80. Broke someone’s heart = I don’t think so. Hurt feelings though, sure. 81. Had your own heart broken = Well someone I thought loved me and cared about me sexually assaulted me and manipulated me for a solid year, and then someone I told about this and whom I thought was  a friend also manipulated me for several years, so in that sense, I guess yes. 82. Been arrested = Nope 83. Turned someone down = Yeah 84. Cried when someone died =  Not that I can recall? I didn’t even cry when Daddad died but I was a smol kid then and didn’t know him very well. 85. Fallen for a friend = Yes. But then I adore all of my friends and the line between “deeply adore” and “romantically love” is kind of fuzzy for me and I don’t really need reciprocation so it doesn’t really matter as some huge enough thing to take note of.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 86. Yourself = one of my middle names literally means “Have faith in yourself”. So I kind of have to. 87. Miracles = Miracles? No. Luck? Hells yes. 88. Love at first sight = No.  89. Heaven = No. Death is the end. 90. Santa Claus = My sibs and I had it figured out he was made up pretty young. 91. Kiss on the first date = ... why would you need to believe in this? Either it happens or it doesn’t. 92. Angels = Nope

[whole30problems]

Day 20: 1/20/18

Soooo... we are considering not finishing this Whole30. I’ll get into why, but let me first just say that I realize this seems like a really lame cop out. And I think it would be if this was the first time I was doing Whole30. But I already did the whole thing once so I know I’m capable of it - so it doesn’t feel like giving up to me, it feels like considering my options knowing how I’ll feel in both scenarios and trying to make the more mature move instead of focusing on the guilt that I think people will be disappointed in me or make fun of me or whatever might happen.

Actually, lemme just tell you about my day because I think then you may understand where I’m coming from.

Breakfast

I woke up at 5am again, sneezing and with a constantly runny nose (I should have taken a picture of how many tissues I used in the next hour; I think it was probably like 30). For some context on this: I have woken up between 4-5am every single day for the last... I think 2 weeks? We finally acknowledged today that it seems like I might be allergic to something in the apartment, because it seems like as soon as I leave home I’m fine, and as soon as I come back (like right now, as I type this, I am sneezing again, and I have not sneezed in hours) it starts up again. So that is stressful thing #1.

So I woke up at 5, put in a few hours of work (stressful thing #2: work is crazy right now for a bunch of reasons and I know someone’s going to yell at me about work/life balance but I work at a very early stage startup that is doing a lot of cool things and this is not the time for me to have a work life balance so just don’t yell at me about it. But yes I basically work 24/7 currently and it’s exhausting), and sat around sneezing and feeling miserable. 

Erik woke up eventually and offered to make some of those yummy smashed potatoes out of leftover cooked potatoes we have in the fridge. I said that sounded great. Then he came out of the kitchen with ONE plate with a couple potatoes and a sausage on it. I asked him where my breakfast was and he said he didn’t realize I wanted any. “What made you think,” I asked him, “That I would be making my own breakfast at some time in the future? I’ve been awake for hours and I’m starving. I also literally can’t stop sneezing long enough to even make it into the kitchen, PLUS I’m in the middle of a bunch of work.” (I am a joy to build a life with.) So he made me some breakfast:

Then he went off to skate (his current passion) and was so excited because this is the first day in months where it’s warm enough that he can go do it outside. He came back only an hour later, which is always a bad sign because it means something went wrong. It turns out the skate park was closed (and still full of snow), and he crumbled. The problem is, as I may have described here before, that January removes everything Erik loves. He’s not allowed to have beer. He’s not allowed to eat any comfort foods. He doesn’t have any free time because he’s constantly doing the dishes (or helping with other household chores that I don’t have time to do because I’m cooking every second of the day that I’m home). And he can’t spend any time outdoors, which makes him totally insane.

So on days like this, where he thought he might have something nice to do and then even that got taken away from him, it’s really not easy for him to bounce back. To his credit he tried, but it illuminated for me yet again how miserable this diet is making him. It’s just withholding one more thing that has the potential to make him have a good day. So there’s stressful thing #3.

Lunch

We went to see a couple apartments (as I think I mentioned the other day, we just found out we have to move), and since this was my first time really moving around today I noticed that a subtle lower back pain from yesterday had blossomed into what felt like a full-on muscle sprain. It was bad enough that I was limping a little because it hurt every time I moved my leg (back injury: stressful thing #4). When we got home from looking at the apartments, we did some stretching, which helped a little, but when I stood up from the floor I got really dizzy and that thing happened where I blacked out for a few seconds and couldn’t see anything and had to hold on to Erik until it passed. (Concerned family reading this: I promise I am fine, this is not something that happens often.)

This is when Erik totally lost his mind. He started expressing some concerns that I guess he’s had for a while, which is that I’ve basically been sick the whole time we’ve been doing Whole30 (as he put it, "I’ve never seen you this frail in the entire time I’ve known you”) and he strongly feels I should consider whether or not this makes sense for me to keep doing. I argued that I don’t see how eating less healthy would make me feel any better. What, if I was drinking regularly and eating pasta all my problems would be solved? And I really don’t know the answer to this - I don’t know if these things are a coincidence or if my diet really is hurting me somehow - but I do know that last year at this time I felt great, and for whatever reason I do not feel great now. I do have more energy at work, yes, which is nice, but I think that’s just because I’m not drinking and I’m not eating sugar and I’m going to bed earlier. But I feel sick, and weak, and exhausted at the end of the day, and I can’t sleep. So something certainly doesn’t feel right. Stressful thing #5.

Anyway, we argued about that for a while and then I made us a greek salad, which was really good!

It’s just romaine, hardboiled eggs, tomatoes, and kalamata olives. The dressing is olive oil, red wine vinegar, lemon juice, garlic, and salt and pepper. While I was making this admittedly very simple and quick salad, I was also heavily guilting my husband about not offering to make it. But the problem is, he hates cooking more than anything in the world, I think maybe even a tiny bit more than he hates seeing me in pain, which is certainly a lot. So I made lunch while I moaned every time I had to move because my back hurt, and constantly blew my nose because it wouldn’t stop running, and generally gave him a hard time. The thing is, I joke about this a lot here, but this kind of intense diet really is tough on a (or at least our) relationship. It’s so much work, and it’s neverending. Erik has done the dishes 3 times today, and somehow there are still dishes in the sink. There’s always groceries to order or something to clean or something to cook. And it is very much not making us enjoy the limited time we have together at home. Stressful thing #6.

I took a nap after lunch and that helped (so did the heating pad I put under my back).

Dinner

We did have one really nice part of our day. Remember that angel Duncan who cooked us a Whole30 dinner last year? He did it again this year, and this time he had help in the form of a second angel, Sarah:

They hosted us for dinner, and made us a delicious salad, a spatchcocked (??) chicken, and a truly amazing slow cooker curry cauliflower korma that you should 100% make. This was the best dinner I’ve had probably all month (half because it was good, and half because I didn’t have to make it). We brought the La Croix. They wouldn’t let us clean up any of the dishes after dinner. Like I said: angels.

They read the blog, so we talked a lot about how it’s going and the pros/cons. And while we were talking about it, I realized... there aren’t really any pros this year. In addition to all the health problems I’ve been having, I also still haven’t dropped more than those original 5 lbs (and I’m convinced that was just from getting rid of alcohol). And we’re just... so... miserable.

Duncan also made us a “second course” (since we’re not allowed to have “dessert”) which was a sort of smoothie made from bananas, coconut milk, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Oh my god it was heavenly.

On our walk home, Erik and I had some real talk about the Whole30. He told me how guilty he felt eating that paleo crack bar the other day because it had raw maple syrup in it, and how it got him thinking that so many of the Whole30 rules seem so silly because we already know (from doing it + reintroduction last year) that a bunch of the forbidden foods don’t make us personally feel bad. I also think I’ve been relying on the Whole30 too much as my sole (theoretical) method of losing weight or staying skinny when really what I should probably be doing is exercising. And, ya know, sleeping.

I think we just don’t... really believe this is the right diet for us. And we actually DO eat relatively healthy (much more than we used to before Whole30). We went down the list:

We almost never eat bread or pasta at home

We almost never order in food

We eat breakfast every day, and it’s usually some variation of the eggs and meat/veggie we’re eating now

We’ve both cut down on our caffeine

We’ve both massively cut down on our sugar (outside of my one vice, Pumpkin Spice Lattes in Nov/Dec)

I eat way less cheese than I used to, and Erik eats way less fast food than he used to

We’re not perfect, but we don’t have any serious dietary reactions to anything we eat, and we’re relatively thin, active people. I just don’t really know what we’re trying to get out of this anymore. It doesn’t really feel like it has a point this year. Last year, we had a goal: finish the Whole30. Prove that we can do it. Now it just feels like a dumb project we’ve finished already.

I feel pretty confident that even if we choose not to continue doing the Whole30, we can still use January as a healthy month (no alcohol, little to no sugar, more veggies, and actual exercise) and get more out of it if we’re not stressed and miserable all the time.

So there you have it. I don’t know what we’re going to do but I can tell you that I’m leaning towards giving up on this. We have enough stress in our lives without a self-imposed diet that seems to be killing both of us slowly. I still super believe in the Whole30 and think it’s worth doing once to learn what works and doesn’t work for your body, but I think what I’ve learned this time around is that rather than doing something extreme like this again, a smarter thing is just to take what you’ve learned and incorporate that into your life in a sustainable way. I’d like to be healthy year round, not just in January.

And Erik would like to eat a pizza.

[hangryandlazy]

day 35 - dec 6, 2017

I was in bed by 10pm last night, and I woke up at 415am this morning drenched in sweat. My head hurt like crazy and I knew something was really wrong. I debated with myself whether or not to go to the hospital (the out-patient ward is open 24/7) and after I came to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again, I got out of bed, took a quick shower, texted my mom (who’s in Germany at the moment, or else I’d be truly alone at 4am) and headed out. I figured the line would be shorter at 5am anyway, and I didn’t want to surrounded by a whole bunch of germy people and kids. I ended up driving myself there, and, honestly, the drive was pretty nice. The roads were close to empty, it almost felt like there were no rules (at one point, on the way back home, I took a wrong turn, so I made an illegal turn somewhere else to get to where I needed to go).

So, it turned out I had a slight fever. I think most of fever had been sweated out last night/this morning, but I was still surprised because it’s been a long time since I’ve a fever. I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal, what I had. My lymph nodes on the right side of my neck were swollen and suuuper painful, but it’s been happening quite often recently so I assumed I was just fighting off the start of a flu. The doctor diagnosed me with a fever and lymphadenitis, and I got an anti-inflammatory shot. He prescribed me some painkillers and antibiotics, and I was home again within an hour. I knew it was a good choice to go in the wee hours of the morning!

The only thing that really bothered me was the antibiotics. I made sure to tell the doctor I had IBS, so I was surprised he prescribed me antibiotics. He didn’t even tell me that he would, when I saw him. I Googled it and found mixed reviews–some people said it made their IBS worse, giving them bad cramps and diarrhea symptoms after they had stabilized their symptoms, while others claimed it actually helped their IBS symptoms improve. Either way, I haven’t taken the antibiotics left, because the right side of my neck is close to pain-free and I don’t want to risk fucking up my skin again. It literally just got better to a point where I’m okay leaving home without makeup. Yes, I still have scars and the occasional lump or bump, but it’s nowhere near as terrible as it was last week or the week before that.

I’d been planning on catching up on some rest all day (it’s 15:47 now) but somehow I’m more wide awake and refreshed than ever. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but I’m definitely waaaay more energized and awake than I thought I’d be, considering how early I woke up this morning and how shitty I felt. Kept things slow again today–some packages arrived today (woohoo!) so I just cleaned and organized things around my room, and bought some groceries online. Oh yeah, I actually ended up going to the supermarket this morning after I’d gotten home, because I figured it was a good time to make some soup. Starve a fever, feed a cold, right? Obviously you’re not supposed to actually starve yourself when you have a fever, the concept is that you should keep yourself hydrated and, if possible, stick to liquids and foods that are easy on digestion. Your body heats up to digest, and you want to keep your body temperature as low as possible to offset the heat already radiating from it. So, no veggies today! I made some soup and quinoa porridge, and had them for both breakfast and lunch–breakfast quinoa with strawberries, and lunch quinoa with tofu. 

So far so good. I don’t think I have a fever anymore, my neck doesn’t hurt to the touch. Okay, I’ve been sweating all day and I smell gross, but I’m attributing that to the fever leaving my body. Planning on getting a head start on the cookies later this afternoon!